she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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