OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
