My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I met the friendliest cop last night
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Drunk is not a location!
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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