i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
