his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
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