and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
