Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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