A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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