My hand turned me down
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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