I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
