Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
