My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You made out with two different species that night
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
