New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Someone shattered a urinal.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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