My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
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By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
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I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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