Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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