Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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