I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
