Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Your shirt... Was in my pants
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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