where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
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You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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