i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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