Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
