How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
