Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Randomize
