I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
