I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize