It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Life is so much better after having sex.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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