This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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