Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
