Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
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Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
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Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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