I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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