Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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