I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
