My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
