can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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