Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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