I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
