He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
