i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Randomize
