im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
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