I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
