I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
