i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
