I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
