does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
