Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
