Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
