Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
