peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
