I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
