"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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