I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Randomize
