He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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