did you get engaged???
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
