Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
