I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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