if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
