i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
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So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
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It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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