your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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