We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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