is your mom at the bar?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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