hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
