Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
